‘The tiny things which, in the storm you’re in, mean the world to you,’ – Louise shares her experience of losing loved ones as we mark National Day of Reflection
Louise Head (pictured), our Associate Director of Research and Chief Medical Officer’s Services, has featured in a special podcast, discussing her experience of loss after losing her sister, partner, and mother in quick succession.
The podcast, part of our Palliative Care team’s Teaching for our Time series, has been released today (Tuesday 23 March). It coincides with Marie Curie’s National Day of Refection, an opportunity to reflect on our collective loss as we mark a year since the first lockdown began.
Louise took part in the podcast, used to educate our staff in providing compassionate end of life care, to share her positive experiences, while also explaining the small things which made a huge difference to her.
She said: “Watching someone you love die is a lonely place to be and for me, it was the little things which made a difference.
“Kindness mostly, from the doctor who spent his break hunting for a wheelchair with me, to the hospice staff who called daily, even though they didn’t yet have a bed for my mother, to remind me they were on it. They may be tiny things, but, in the storm you’re in, they mean the world to you. Empathy and compassionate honesty were also important, and communication was huge for us. No one shied away from talking about death, so I knew what I was dealing with.
“When those you love are dying, your world no longer makes sense and every plan you’ve made disappears. You need an anchor and for me, that was information from the clinicians caring for them. And reassurance, not that they could cure them, but that they would do what they could so they wouldn’t suffer.”
Louise, who has worked at our Trust for over 22 years, first lost her younger sister to breast cancer. Her partner Michael died ten months ago after being diagnosed with spinal cancer when he was experiencing back pain. He died, aged 55, just four weeks after being diagnosed.
On the day Michael died, Louise’s mother started chemotherapy for lung cancer. This coincided with the first wave of Covid-19, making it doubly difficult for the family who were unable to see her.
Louise added: “I watched all three of them waste away and that was dreadful. However, as each stage of dying gets worse, there comes an element of peace, as you know they will be out of their misery. No matter how desperately you want to hold onto them, you wish peace for them. For each of them, the last day of their lives was much more peaceful than the run-up to it.”
Talking openly about death and dying meant that for each of Louise’s loved ones, they were able to bring them home before they died.
And while humour is not something we expect at such difficult times in our lives, Louise was keen to point out that our loved ones don’t become different people because they’re dying:
“My mum and Michael were funny, and my sister did stand-up comedy. Sometimes, making a joke in the darkest moments has been my salvation.
“People need people, especially in our darkest moments. I’ve watched doctors approaching dying patients with a smile and ask them how they’re feeling. That can make such a difference. The only wrong thing you can say about death is to say nothing at all.”