>> Partner Notification – why do we ask you to tell your partner?
>> Advice on Negotiating Safer Sex
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Partner Notification – why do we ask you to tell your partner?
If you are diagnosed with an infection such as chlamydia, gonorrhoea, or HIV we will ask you to tell your partner. We understand that this can be a very difficult thing to do but partner notification is a very important part of trying to stop the spread of STIs. This is because many people do not realise that they have an infection as some STIs do not have symptoms. Also, if your sexual partner has the infection too, they will give it back to you. The health advisers will help you with partner notification.
Advice on Negotiating Safer Sex
We hear a lot about safer sex, we are often advised to have it but usually advice on how to achieve it is lacking! The reason this is a tricky subject is because it isn’t just one person’s decision. YOU may decide it’s important to only have safer sex, but how do you persuade your partner to use a condom or Femidom? Hopefully this section will help.
What is safe sex or safer sex?
There is no such thing as safe sex; all sexual contact carries some element of risk. The best we can do is minimise our risk as much as we can, or as much as we choose to. The definition of safer sex refers to reducing the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) by preventing any infectious body fluids (such as semen, blood or vaginal fluid) from entering the body. This is best achieved by using a condom or Femidom for penetrative vaginal or anal sex. For some people, it also means using a condom or dental dam for oral sex too.
For more information on STIs, please speak to a nurse or health adviser or log on to www.ruthinking.co.uk
How to negotiate safer sex
Negotiating safer sex is not usually a single act or one decision. It is a process, because deciding on safer sex may be a life long life style choice for some and if sexual partners change, the process has to start again, so its worth giving the decision some time and thought. The following steps may help you make a workable, successful decision:
Step 1 – make the choice!
The first part of the process is to make a firm decision to have safe sex and why it is important to you. For example – to avoid pregnancy? To avoid infections? Because you have more than one sexual partner? To avoid passing on an infection? or, perhaps, to avoid coming to the clinic again?!
Make a list of the Pros and Cons to help your decision – no one else need see it! Once you have decided on your reasons, think about how long you want to continue with safer sex – until you start a committed relationship? Until you want children? For life? Think about what circumstances might change your decision, like what if after a while your partner wants to stop using condoms? Will you ask him or her to have an STI check up first? This is an acceptable and sensible request, many people come to clinic together before they stop using condoms.
Giving your safer sex decision this kind of consideration will help you to decide how important it is to you and will help you negotiate it.
Step 2 – Confidence and self worth!
Whoever you are, whatever you do, you and your health are important. No one is going to look after your health for you. This includes your mental health. If having unprotected sex (sex without a condom) causes you to worry, why put up with the anxiety when there is a solution? When negotiating, remind yourself that this is important to you, you are important and are worthy of safer sex and that there is no reason why you should not demand it.
Step 3 – Be Prepared!
Research shows that one of the main reasons people do not use condoms is because they don’t want to admit they don’t know how to use them! If you have never used a condom before, ask the Health Adviser or nurse at the clinic to demonstrate how they should be put on. Take some of our free condoms or Femidoms home with you, take a condom out of the packet and get familiar with it, how it feels, how it smells, how strong it is etc. Practise putting a condom on a banana (the old favourite of 1980’s safer sex TV shows!) or similar object. Follow the instructions on the leaflet. This way, if your partner has not used a condom before either, at least one of you will know how to put it on.
Make sure you always have a condom with you. Carry one in something you always have with you, like a purse, wallet or inside a mobile phone case. You never know when you might meet someone.
Make sure your condoms or Femidoms have the quality standard kite mark and have not gone past their ‘use by’ date.
Step 4 – Negotiate!
There is no set or easy advice to give about how to actually ask a partner to use a condom, but here are some hints to bear in mind that will help:
Many people are uncertain at what point to broach the ‘condom subject’. Is while you are still clothed presumptuous? Is while you are undressed too late? Clothed or unclothed, it is important to state your wish for a condom before penetrative sex takes place. This may sound obvious, but sometimes due to embarrassment or uncertainty we often think we can ‘sort it out next time’. However, if a partner has unprotected sex with you once, your chances of getting them to use a condom next time are hugely reduced. Also, sometimes men may suggest penetration without a condom and then putting one on before ejaculation. This will not protect either of you from an infection and is also not a reliable birth control method.
The best thing to do is just state your wish to use a condom. It’s too important an issue to worry about whether or not you are being presumptuous or forward. It doesn’t matter what he/she thinks, just get the request out!
Avoid statements like: “I would rather we used a condom” or “perhaps we should” or “could we use a condom” Statements like this are vague and give the impression that you could be persuaded or encouraged to have unprotected sex.
State your case and sound definite! Something like: “I’ll only have sex with you if you use a condom” and stick to it. Do not allow yourself to be talked out of it. Once a partner sees that you are determined to use a condom, they will usually choose the option that will allow sex to happen.
Be prepared that sometimes insisting on using a condom will mean that someone might choose not to have sex at all. This can be a blow to the ego, but remember, if that person would not use a condom with you, its likely they have had unprotected sex before, or maybe have never used condoms before. Then they have been at risk and may have an STI. Also, a person’s willingness to use a condom says a lot about their own self-respect and their consideration for others.
For more information on what to say about using condoms log on to www.hesaysyousay.co.uk
Choosing to have safer sex is a process and condoms do need a bit of getting used to. There are many different types of condom available from reliable manufacturers, try out different ones and find the type that suits you.
Don’t forget to try Femidoms. Often men who are reluctant to try condoms will be more receptive to trying a Femidom as they do not fit tight to the penis. Femidoms are also stronger than male condoms and are less likely to break or come off. They are not made of latex, so they are safe to use if you have a latex allergy.
Good luck and happy safer sex!
